Today I'm playing in an ad hoc band for an event at my school. Covers of the Chili Peppers, Styx, George Michael. I signed on cheerfully enough, but as it neared I began to resent it -- why spend my time working on music I would not listen to? And its more than taste -- why mimic a kind of relationship (rock star to crowd) that I reject?
And then, a change. Rehearsal yesterday was an absolute blast. I'm so overjoyed to be playing that I don't care about the rest. So exciting to interact again with my chops, to make musical decisions in real time, to really get warm and free and relaxed in playing. They have me playing bass guitar sometimes, which, I had forgotten, is probably the true instrument of my heart. I can't wait to get on stage, and bop around, play rock star.
I'm impressed by the contradiction - so thorough, yet so unproblematic! Maybe its an ethical lapse, to be aware of a product's faults and sell it anyway, but maybe I just need to loosen up about music!
Clear: as a composition student I deny myself so much musical pleasure -- and the pleasure of music is not its weakness, but its first goodness. Naked in the garden, before the Fall to Art.
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